iSA
ISA
I stand in alone. I stand-alone in the bathroom. I stand alone looking at my reflection. I am aware that someone or something is banging on the door. I IGNORE IT.I stand alone, watching the blood dripping from my wrists. I look at myself in the mirror to find nothing normal or hum, nothing amusing or loved.I am getting older. I am old; I have never felt young, even when I was young.My body is attractive to some. It takes on more shape and definition. I like to exercise. That doesn’t amuse me much. It is just a means to an end, the purpose of which, I have forgotten. I am getting older. I wish I could have stayed young and fresh. I'm thirty-five years old and surely I am too old for cutting...not for attention.
But I want to be able to feel something within me. I enjoy the pleasure of bleeding. It makes me feel that I exist.I love the taste of blood in the morning. With a cigarette and a vodka.Don’t get me wrong. I am a normal man; I behave like one when I think someone is watching. I just like different things than most men my age. Here I am smiling at myself. My grin is wide. I have been told that it frightens people.I stand alone, listening to the banging on the door. Voice shouting.Asking me of what was wrong and that he can help me. At least that is what I think I can hear. I do not recognise the voice. Does he not know that I don’t want to be helped? I just want to enjoy the pain for once. Relish my final moments in peace and tranquillity.That is what amuses me. My own mind. My real desires. Pain.When I taste the blood from my wrists. I think of the things that I have done. I hope they can forgive me. I never meant to hurt them. I just wanted them to love me. When I see them in the streets, in their short skirts and cut off t-shirts. My mind goes blank, something terrible rises within me. I don’t know when to stop. I just keep licking the painful blood off. I strip and get in the hot shower. Just standing there with the water scolding my ageing flesh.
Maybe it will cure me of this nonsense that pleasures me. As the water starts teasing my flesh to pink, I think of ways it could be better. Then while smiling to myself, something shocks me awake from fantasy. It was a shocking pain in my cuts. Delightful. It felt good. But I couldn’t control it. I looked to the door with my wet crying eyes. And then with my last natural will to live, I remember the girls and what I did to them.
I open my eyes to see a bright light. It shines so bright. I am floating upwards. Then I am falling. Falling back to myself. I see myself lying on a hospital bed. Doctors and nurses surround me. I hear them talking about me. They are talking about evidence, reasons why I should not live. That I am an evil man.I couldn’t blame them. I have done terrible things. As I fall, a dark shadow catches me.
Whispers to me. Telling me that there is a special place waiting for me in Hades.I am a failure. I have been caught for my sins. But I offered penance every Sunday and the priest always forgave me. So easy to sin, when it is so easy to be forgiven. Those girls were so tempting. So innocent. So fresh. Their blood so fresh.I can admit it at least. I liked to kill them and drink their blood. I liked to hurt them and feel their fear. Then I heard the shadows voice again. My time was not here yet. My eternal punishment can wait. I had things still to do on my earth. And then there was the policeman’s voice. Telling me that I was going to get the death penalty.So, I wasn’t dead. But I am going to die.I don’t want to die. I love the pain too much. So they save me to kill me.But, I deserve to die. I have done terrible things. I am only thirty-five years old. I didn’t mean to hurt them.
I just needed to feel alive.
The End.
I stand in alone. I stand-alone in the bathroom. I stand alone looking at my reflection. I am aware that someone or something is banging on the door. I IGNORE IT.I stand alone, watching the blood dripping from my wrists. I look at myself in the mirror to find nothing normal or hum, nothing amusing or loved.I am getting older. I am old; I have never felt young, even when I was young.My body is attractive to some. It takes on more shape and definition. I like to exercise. That doesn’t amuse me much. It is just a means to an end, the purpose of which, I have forgotten. I am getting older. I wish I could have stayed young and fresh. I'm thirty-five years old and surely I am too old for cutting...not for attention.
But I want to be able to feel something within me. I enjoy the pleasure of bleeding. It makes me feel that I exist.I love the taste of blood in the morning. With a cigarette and a vodka.Don’t get me wrong. I am a normal man; I behave like one when I think someone is watching. I just like different things than most men my age. Here I am smiling at myself. My grin is wide. I have been told that it frightens people.I stand alone, listening to the banging on the door. Voice shouting.Asking me of what was wrong and that he can help me. At least that is what I think I can hear. I do not recognise the voice. Does he not know that I don’t want to be helped? I just want to enjoy the pain for once. Relish my final moments in peace and tranquillity.That is what amuses me. My own mind. My real desires. Pain.When I taste the blood from my wrists. I think of the things that I have done. I hope they can forgive me. I never meant to hurt them. I just wanted them to love me. When I see them in the streets, in their short skirts and cut off t-shirts. My mind goes blank, something terrible rises within me. I don’t know when to stop. I just keep licking the painful blood off. I strip and get in the hot shower. Just standing there with the water scolding my ageing flesh.
Maybe it will cure me of this nonsense that pleasures me. As the water starts teasing my flesh to pink, I think of ways it could be better. Then while smiling to myself, something shocks me awake from fantasy. It was a shocking pain in my cuts. Delightful. It felt good. But I couldn’t control it. I looked to the door with my wet crying eyes. And then with my last natural will to live, I remember the girls and what I did to them.
I open my eyes to see a bright light. It shines so bright. I am floating upwards. Then I am falling. Falling back to myself. I see myself lying on a hospital bed. Doctors and nurses surround me. I hear them talking about me. They are talking about evidence, reasons why I should not live. That I am an evil man.I couldn’t blame them. I have done terrible things. As I fall, a dark shadow catches me.
Whispers to me. Telling me that there is a special place waiting for me in Hades.I am a failure. I have been caught for my sins. But I offered penance every Sunday and the priest always forgave me. So easy to sin, when it is so easy to be forgiven. Those girls were so tempting. So innocent. So fresh. Their blood so fresh.I can admit it at least. I liked to kill them and drink their blood. I liked to hurt them and feel their fear. Then I heard the shadows voice again. My time was not here yet. My eternal punishment can wait. I had things still to do on my earth. And then there was the policeman’s voice. Telling me that I was going to get the death penalty.So, I wasn’t dead. But I am going to die.I don’t want to die. I love the pain too much. So they save me to kill me.But, I deserve to die. I have done terrible things. I am only thirty-five years old. I didn’t mean to hurt them.
I just needed to feel alive.
The End.
posted by JOShUA kANE at 2:43 AM
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